I must have watched the airport scene in CASABLANCA a dozen times. It’s the one where Humphrey Bogart nobly sends Ingrid Bergman away. (She leaves with Paul Henreid which isn’t so bad.) But there’s a famous line in that scene I found hard to accept. It’s when Bogart assures a tearful Bergman, “We’ll always have Paris.” He’s referring to the idyllic time when they were lovers. But there’s no possibility of going back to the past, so I thought it was just a screenwriter’s unrealistic verbiage. And doesn’t remembering lost times just depress us?
The realitv is that memories are two-sided. As a candid example, I’m estranged from a friend I was once close to. For a variety of reasons, she chose to end our relationship and has no desire to revisit the past. So I’ve put a lot of energy into trying to avoid anything that brings reminders of her. I even attempted to keep memories off limits. But this week, perhaps because her birthday’s coming up, the memory of one of our last days together insisted on intruding. We had met for lunch in one of our favorite places, a restaurant in Springfield, Massachusetts. I tried to shut off the memory , but I found myself reliving the hours of sharing and laughter, and our hugs when we parted. But remembering felt different this time. Instead of the usual pain and anger, I was surprised by joy With apologies to Bogart , I’ll always have Springfield – provided that I’m willing to welcome the memory instead of trying to banish it.
Estrangement is another form of loss and deserves to be mourned.. We also have to get past guilt and anger .But what are we to do with the embers? Trying to fence off part of an experience can mean losing all of it, including moments we could cherish. This isn’t just true of estrangement, of course. I’m writing this on my late husband’s birthday. I used to try to shield myself from grief by ignoring the day. But as I’m discovering, fear keeps us hostage to the past. Doesn’t strength mean owning what we choose to keep – and letting the rest go?
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